“Nothing is more woke than the idea that all human beings are created equal,” said Kash Patel, whose Indian Gujarati parents–in a retrospective ironic twist–immigrated to Canada in the 1970s to pursue a life free of ethnic repression. “That’s why I’m implementing a caste system as part of a total cultural reorganization of the FBI, where social status and loyalty to Donald Trump will determine their fates at the agency.”
Kash, whose father relocated the family to the United States to pursue a career as a financial officer at an aviation firm, studied history at the University of Richmond, where he developed a passion for the benefits of slavery while falling in love with the former capital of the Confederacy in the Civil War. “Anyone at the FBI who espouses the idea that human beings are equal will be immediately designated as an untouchable and will be reassigned to cleaning toilets with their bare hands. Frankly, they’re lucky slavery is still illegal, but we’re working on that, too.”
Kash, a zealous January 6 and COVID-19 conspiracy theorist and member of the QAnon group, which he describes as the Scientology of politics, has long held an inferiority complex from surrounding himself with MAGA white supremacists as a brown man. “Kash is my white name. What old-school black people would call my Uncle Tom name. But my real name is Kashyap Pramod Vinod Patel. Unfortunately, racists in America really struggle with that name–they couldn’t even figure out how to pronounce Kamala for fuck’s sake–so now I’m Kash. Spelled with a ‘K’ not a ‘C’ which many people confuse because I have no moral compass and will literally do anything for cash money. It stems from my need to be accepted by white people. You need loads of money for that.”
Kash, whom Donald Trump considers a trusted confidant and savvy political advisor on sensitive matters like hiding top-secret documents at Mar-a-Lago and murdering freedom fighters in Ukraine, claims the 2024 election gave Trump a mandate to convert the United States to a caste system that embraces the barbarism still prevalent in his ancestral homeland.
“Americans need to understand that inferior people are not even people. They are animals who deserve poverty, violent oppression, and an early painful death in front of their emaciated children. The United States is a relatively young country, so it has so much to learn about the benefits of classism and how the caste system can provide a higher quality of life for the top percent of real human beings. As FBI Chief, I’m going to make sure our agents know their place as a human employee, or a non-human animal, in a trusted organization that is dedicated to protecting our supreme leader, our lead Brahmin, Donald Trump. Slavery, like abortion, was always a state issue. Now the FBI will ensure all states are caste-system states. It’s time to teach those non-white people where they really belong.”