“Now I can hang out with Dennis Rodman all the time,” said Kim Jong Un, an entourage of North Korean military officials following him on a tour of a new rubberband factory in Pyongyang. “For only $5 million dollars, I can now just go to America and steal national secrets myself. I already have several boxes from Mar-a-Lago stacked in one of my palace bathrooms.”
“America’s new Trump Gold Card Program is going to make America greater and safer than ever,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, holding up a corndog, naming it Bailey, then biting into it. (An anonymous DHS official claims Noem regularly holds up corn dogs, ceremoniously names them, then devours them.)
“Initially,” Noem continued, “the Gold Card Program was meant to attract the world’s most valuable people–corrupt oligarchs, Russian arms dealers, and Middle Eastern oil barons in the sex trade industry. But then we learned something important pretty quickly–why spend all this money defending America from our political enemies when we can just sell America to them. Without having to fire a single shot, we can create peace and profits for America.”
“As an Asian man,” explained Kim Jong Un, “I could never get asylum in America and escape the treachery I created like the white immigrants from South Africa. The Trump Gold Card is a real opportunity for non-white despots and autocrats like me. When people see an Asian man like me shooting hoops with a black man like Dennis Rodman, they’re looking at the American dream.”
