Mike Lindell, burdened by lawsuits related to his incessant false claims of voting machine conspiracies along with American consumers realizing his pillows kind of suck, has been seen prowling the grounds of Mar-a-Lago, carrying a vintage 1980s boom box.
Observers have reported that Lindell, upon seeing a flash of blond hair in any window on the property, promptly stands beneath the window, holds the boom box over his head and plays Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” at top volume. The odd serenade lasts anywhere from the entire length of the song to as brief as 20 seconds.
Lindell, reportedly, is lobbying for a Cabinet position in the forthcoming Trump authoritarian regime, saying, “I gave up everything for him; he owes me this! Department of Beds, at the very least! Is that a thing?” Lindell also asserts he has several ideas to bring with him, such as requiring every household to have a minimum of three My Pillows, an end to voting, “Since those machines can’t be trusted, better to not even try,” and death by firing squad for anyone who tears that DO NOT REMOVE tag off of mattresses. “Slippery slope,” Lindell says.
So far, no official response from anyone at Mar-a-Lago. Lindell has been removed from the premises a few times but he manages to find a way back. “I’m not going to give up; I deserve this,” he said. “And you know and I know he’s already picked worse. I mean, no one’s accused me of sleeping with 17-year-olds or raping Republican women or assisting in the sexual abuse of minor boys. Yet.”
When asked why he sometimes cuts the Greenwood serenade short, he says, “Boom boxes are heavy. My arms get tired.”