“It’s nothing personal,” said Republican Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. “It’s just business. As a doctor, I understand how misinformation and lies can promote the spread of death and disease. As a corrupt politician in charge of the most dysfunctional state in America, I also have the skills set needed to grift money out of people by weaponizing the pandemic—which, honestly, I hope never ends.”
“The trick is,” Paul continued, “to make sure as many people as possible get ill or die from Covid. That way I can continue to profit from fear mongering and shaking down my constituents while also receiving dark money—sorry, I can’t tell you who, they demand anonymity—to ensure the Senate does their bidding. It’s a good gig. My wife and I did the math, and I make around $14.75 per dead or sick American. Multiply that by almost 900,000 deaths and 64 million sick Americans, and, well, let’s just say being the senator of Kentucky is a dream job.”
Photos: Gage Skidmore