“The contest was very close,” said Jeffrey Mayfield, a senior at West Virginia University, the first in his family of coal miners to go to college. “We had 16,593 West Virginians from across the state submit their ideas to rename Senator Joe Manchin’s yacht, with Coal Miners’ Slaughter winning with 46% of the final vote.” (Note: short list below.)
“The current name of Machin’s yacht, Almost Heaven,” continued Mayfield, “is an insult to hardworking West Virginians who are struggling just to get access to basic healthcare and the childcare resources families need to survive—especially as we face ongoing challenges with inflation and long-COVID. But when Manchin decided to deny West Virginians, and all Americans, reasonable access to ballot boxes so we can fulfill our constitutional right to vote—we decided to have a vote of our own. Because this guy and his entire family are bullshit.”
“There is no way,” Senator Manchin said via Zoom interview from his yacht, “I’m going to sacrifice my personal wealth or the financial interests of my family for the well being of West Virginians. These people who are complaining have bosses just like I do. Would you tell your boss that you’re going to vote ‘yes’ for healthcare or voting rights—knowing he’ll stop paying you? I don’t think so. Your boss may be a guy in the retail business or an insurance company. My bosses are in fossil fuel and healthcare companies. It’s the same damn situation.”
“Sure,” Manchin elaborated, “we may have a 16% poverty rate in West Virginia, that’s about 280,000 West Virginians who are broke and struggling just to survive. And you know who is responsible for their poverty? They are. Poor people are poor because they’re lazy and they’ve decided to be poor.
“This is America,” Manchin continued, notably agitated. “Pull yourself up. Join a gym. Go to law school. Honestly, I’m embarrassed by my state. They’re lazy and entitled. Need food on the table? That’s what deer season is for. These woke snowflakes are embarrassing to even be associated with. Why the hell do you think I live out here on this boat?”
Final Joe Manchin Yacht Naming Contest Results:
Coal Miners’ Slaughter = 41%
Fossil Fool = 24%
Charles Manchin = 23%
Almost Human = 9%
Country Toad = 2%
Almost Healthcare = 1%
Photo: Gage Skidmore