“Ginni In a Bottle”: Clarence Thomas & Wife To Launch Reality Show
“It all began when Dancing with the Stars approached both me and my wife,” said associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Clarence Thomas. “But we wouldn’t be able to…
Ted Cruz Paid Illegal Immigrants to Cross U.S. Border
“They need jobs,” explained Ted Cruz, Republican Senator from Texas. “So why not pay them to be political actors in our constant barrage of ‘Biden Border Crisis’ propaganda? It’s a…
McCarthy: Republicans to Ban Alcohol at State of the Union
“It was like being at an Eagles game,” said former House Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “Our representatives need to learn there is a difference between having a good time undermining…
McConnell Proposes National Holiday Celebrating “End of Democracy”
“This is a great day in our nation’s history,” explained Mitch McConnell, the Republican Senate Minority Leader from Kentucky. “We have managed to completely undermine the democratic process, voting procedures,…
Youngkin: White Parents Should Decide Speed Limits in Virginia
“Speed limits are freedom limits,” said Republican Governor of Virginia Glenn Youngkin. “Speed limits are big government telling us how to live our lives by limiting how fast we can…
Rep. Jim Jordan Launches New Line of Sexy Wrestling Shoes
“Introducing PEDOs!” said Ohio Republican House Representative Jim Jordan. “I created the brand name myself based on, well, the word pedestrians, which has to do with the feet—in this case…
RNC Committee Announces “Chuck Todd Bobblehead Day”
“Chuck Todd and Meet the Press have been instrumental in our attempt to undermine democracy,” said Republican Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin. “With Chuck agreeing to offer our destructive agenda…
Rand Paul Receives $14.75 Per U.S. Covid Fatality
“It’s nothing personal,” said Republican Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. “It’s just business. As a doctor, I understand how misinformation and lies can promote the spread of death and disease. As…
Trump’s Kenyan Birth Certificate Among Documents Recovered from Mar-a-Lago
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – An original copy of Donald J. Trump’s original birth certificate, issued by a hospital in Nairobi, Kenya, is among the thousands of documents recovered by the National…
Fox News Host Tucker Carlson Equates Racism to Fraternity Hazing
“Being new to America is like being new at a fraternity,” said Fox News host Tucker Carlson. “Every freshman class at the frat goes through a pledging process, and every…
Donald Trump Awards Purple Heart to Proud Boy for January 6th Riot
This morning, at his resort headquarters in Mar-a-Lago, Florida, Donald Trump awarded the Purple Heart to Gary “Gonzoid” Simpson, 34, a self-proclaimed Proud Boy raised by an absentee dad, for…
DeSantis: Republicans Can Email 2022 Ballots Before They Die of Freedom
“I’m proud to announce that Republican voters with Covid in Florida can now submit their 2022 ballots as an email attachment,” said Ron DeSantis, GOP Governor of Florida. “This expedited…
GOP Reveals Gerrymandering Strategy Based on Skin Color
“Let’s face it,” said GOP Texas Representative and House Caucus Freedom Member Chip Roy, “we’re not going to win any elections based on our ideas—because we don’t have any ideas.…
Reps. MTG and Matt Gaetz Open Racist Cobra Kai Dojos
“I’m so freaking excited to be partnering with Matt Gaetz to open up franchises of racist Cobra Kai dojos across the South to prepare our youth for the next Civil…
Afghan Warlords Keep Drunk Texting the Pentagon
“They have to know this is over. Finished. Finito.” General Mark A. Milley, 20th Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said. “We had a good run. And let’s face…