Elon: SpaceX to Build Khashoggi Rockets for Saudi Space Program
“It all started with red wine and the World Cup,” said Musk, back in the U.S., staring at his hand. “Admittedly, I was a bit giddy from watching Messi score…
Kyle Rittenhouse To Go As Murderer Next Halloween
“You know those assholes who go to Halloween costume parties but don’t dress up?” said Kyle Rittenhouse, a teenage vigilante who killed two people to win his mother’s love, “Well,…
Kyrsten Sinema Thanks Jesus Christ For Strength to End Democracy
“I couldn’t have played my part in ending democracy without the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, our Holy Savior,” said Arizona Senator Krysten Sinema—who, as an Independent, is totally…
GOP Courts Bill Cosby To Win Over Black Voters
“This is part of our Wakanda Strategy,” said Jeff Row, leading Republican strategist and founder of Axis Strategies. “We know that black people only go to black movies—like those Wakanda…
Trump Denies Giving America Herpes
“America knew what she was doing,” said Donald Trump, sitting at his desk and biting into a cheeseburger. “I’m really the victim. America isn’t even good looking. Very ugly, if…
GOP Drops Oath Keepers, Seeks MS-13 for Next Insurrection
“The Oath Keepers turned out to be a bunch of losers,” explained Representative Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “While they were dumb and desperate enough to take the fall for all of…
BREAKING: House Republican George Santos Was Born In Kenya
Political Americans senior investigative reporter, Jeff Murdoch, has discovered that George Santos, the newly elected GOP Congressman from New York, was born in Nakuru, Kenya, and has 13 siblings—according to…
Murdoch: Fox News Acquires Russia Today Network for $15.2 Million
“These two media brands belong together,” said Rupert Murdoch, media tycoon and founder of News Corp, the parent company of Fox News. “Fox News and Russia Today are world-class leaders…
Donald Trump and Ivanka Enjoy Romantic Dinner in Staten Island
“They flirted with each other all night,” said Angelo Rossi, owner of Meetza Da Pizza, the venerable go-to restaurant for Italian comfort food in Staten Island. “They’ve both been under…
“Ginni In a Bottle”: Clarence Thomas & Wife To Launch Reality Show
“It all began when Dancing with the Stars approached both me and my wife,” said associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Clarence Thomas. “But we wouldn’t be able to…
Ted Cruz Paid Illegal Immigrants to Cross U.S. Border
“They need jobs,” explained Ted Cruz, Republican Senator from Texas. “So why not pay them to be political actors in our constant barrage of ‘Biden Border Crisis’ propaganda? It’s a…
McCarthy: Republicans to Ban Alcohol at State of the Union
“It was like being at an Eagles game,” said former House Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “Our representatives need to learn there is a difference between having a good time undermining…
McConnell Proposes National Holiday Celebrating “End of Democracy”
“This is a great day in our nation’s history,” explained Mitch McConnell, the Republican Senate Minority Leader from Kentucky. “We have managed to completely undermine the democratic process, voting procedures,…
Youngkin: White Parents Should Decide Speed Limits in Virginia
“Speed limits are freedom limits,” said Republican Governor of Virginia Glenn Youngkin. “Speed limits are big government telling us how to live our lives by limiting how fast we can…
Rep. Jim Jordan Launches New Line of Sexy Wrestling Shoes
“Introducing PEDOs!” said Ohio Republican House Representative Jim Jordan. “I created the brand name myself based on, well, the word pedestrians, which has to do with the feet—in this case…