Donald Trump and Ivanka Enjoy Romantic Dinner in Staten Island
“They flirted with each other all night,” said Angelo Rossi, owner of Meetza Da Pizza, the venerable go-to restaurant for Italian comfort food in Staten Island. “They’ve both been under…
“Ginni In a Bottle”: Clarence Thomas & Wife To Launch Reality Show
“It all began when Dancing with the Stars approached both me and my wife,” said associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Clarence Thomas. “But we wouldn’t be able to…
Ted Cruz Paid Illegal Immigrants to Cross U.S. Border
“They need jobs,” explained Ted Cruz, Republican Senator from Texas. “So why not pay them to be political actors in our constant barrage of ‘Biden Border Crisis’ propaganda? It’s a…
McCarthy: Republicans to Ban Alcohol at State of the Union
“It was like being at an Eagles game,” said former House Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “Our representatives need to learn there is a difference between having a good time undermining…
McConnell Proposes National Holiday Celebrating “End of Democracy”
“This is a great day in our nation’s history,” explained Mitch McConnell, the Republican Senate Minority Leader from Kentucky. “We have managed to completely undermine the democratic process, voting procedures,…
Youngkin: White Parents Should Decide Speed Limits in Virginia
“Speed limits are freedom limits,” said Republican Governor of Virginia Glenn Youngkin. “Speed limits are big government telling us how to live our lives by limiting how fast we can…
Rep. Jim Jordan Launches New Line of Sexy Wrestling Shoes
“Introducing PEDOs!” said Ohio Republican House Representative Jim Jordan. “I created the brand name myself based on, well, the word pedestrians, which has to do with the feet—in this case…
RNC Committee Announces “Chuck Todd Bobblehead Day”
“Chuck Todd and Meet the Press have been instrumental in our attempt to undermine democracy,” said Republican Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin. “With Chuck agreeing to offer our destructive agenda…
Rand Paul Receives $14.75 Per U.S. Covid Fatality
“It’s nothing personal,” said Republican Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. “It’s just business. As a doctor, I understand how misinformation and lies can promote the spread of death and disease. As…
Trump’s Kenyan Birth Certificate Among Documents Recovered from Mar-a-Lago
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – An original copy of Donald J. Trump’s original birth certificate, issued by a hospital in Nairobi, Kenya, is among the thousands of documents recovered by the National…
Donald Trump Awards Purple Heart to Proud Boy for January 6th Riot
This morning, at his resort headquarters in Mar-a-Lago, Florida, Donald Trump awarded the Purple Heart to Gary “Gonzoid” Simpson, 34, a self-proclaimed Proud Boy raised by an absentee dad, for…
DeSantis: Republicans Can Email 2022 Ballots Before They Die of Freedom
“I’m proud to announce that Republican voters with Covid in Florida can now submit their 2022 ballots as an email attachment,” said Ron DeSantis, GOP Governor of Florida. “This expedited…
GOP Reveals Gerrymandering Strategy Based on Skin Color
“Let’s face it,” said GOP Texas Representative and House Caucus Freedom Member Chip Roy, “we’re not going to win any elections based on our ideas—because we don’t have any ideas.…
Fox News, North Korea Hold Media Strategy Conference in Oslo
“We partnered with the best of the best,” said Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea and U.S. basketball fanboy. “Fox News has enjoyed unbridled success in brainwashing Americans,…
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi Launches Own CryptoCurrency: Cakecoin
“I’ve always been interested in how my position of power can use innovative technologies to un-level the playing field so I can make more money,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic octogenarian…